Odd One Out – A poem about being Autistic, in her words

I have written about my daughter before (and here). This morning I turned on our home computer to listen to music and found her homework on the screen. What I read made me sob with pride. With her permission, I am sharing it here.

Our journey was filled with doubt and questions and pain and mistakes and worry. Autism is different in every kid, which means that every family has to find their way through the forest alone. Yes, there are experts and resources available, but what works for one child may not work for another. Your journey is unique.

Her high school requires a year long Sophomore Service Learning Project. Through assignments in History and English classes, students study a “world problem” and present their findings at the end of the year. This poem was part of an English assignment.

If you know a child with Autism or Asperger’s Syndrome, I hope this brings you some peace. There is hope for a bright future.

Odd One Out

When I was diagnosed

It made my mother

Cry

And my father was

Pensive

They were very afraid

Of what would become

Of me

I look up and then look

Down because the world is

Overwhelming

My peers always avoid me

They know that I am

Different

Feeling that others can

Cover are not so easy to

Control

The anger, the worry, and the

Sorrow are all so plainly

There

Now I ask you this

Will I always be the

Odd One Out?

No!

The therapy is working

They have put me on a

Diet

I do much better in school

And I can look in your

Eyes

I now have friends

That I see almost

Everyday

I found out my obsession

Can be the key to my

Future

Just like Warhaul, Gates

And Zucherberg too

The geniuses

I go to regular school

And I see a counselor

Whom aids me with

Life skills

Don’t focus on the bad

I can never be

Cured

But I know I will go far

That you can be

Sure

Please do not be afraid

Because I know I will

Prevail

And so will your child

If they have the proper

Care

They will find the things

That ignites the sparks

Within

It’s the key to their

Futures

Believe me when I say

They will not always be

The Odd One Out

Her Autism Story in 10 tweets

Monday was World Autism Day and I tweeted some thoughts about our journey. Our story is different than the typical Autism story – for one, it’s my daughter that was diagnosed. That makes her a minority in the Autism world where boys are diagnosed about five times more often than girls.

Last week, you may have seen the reports that Autism diagnoses are up to 1 in 88 kids – nearly twice as common as previously believed. The evidence points to better diagnostic practices and I, for one, could not be happier about it. Early interventions make a world of difference in Autism therapies, so if we can get every kid on the spectrum the support that they need – then there is hope for a brighter future.

Her story

Every kid with Autism has their own story, their own way of expressing the diagnosis. I have read everything I could lay my hands on, but found that the best resources for us when written about girls on the spectrum. Girls are different than boys and I think that once these differences are better understood we will see the incidence rate rise even more.

 And that will mean that more kids will get the help and support they need.

Some resources I found helpful are listed below. Both are written with the older Aspie in mind, and Aspergirls in particular had great chapters on being happy, as well as a chart showing the differences between boys and girls with Asperger’s.

• Aspergirls by Rudy Simone
• Asperger’s and Girls by Tony Atwood

Girls bully, too: A comment on princesses and how we treat women that “can”

Ok – just read this post by Peggy Orenstein. It’s not new, it was originally published in November.http://peggyorenstein.com/blog/why-princesses-wont-be-presidentsThis “princess” connection is fascinating to me. One of my daughters was very into princesses, etc. so to me its not the “evil” empire that some people feel that it is. But then when my daughter was invited to a princess party with other 6 year olds, she went as a pirate. Not a pirate princess, a pirate.  I guess I just had a different princess-parenting experience.I see the do-it-all-perfectly-and-effortlessly thing differently, I suppose. I don’t associate that with princesses at all. I associate it with the way women talk and the way they judge each other.

I think the limiting factor here is the very real possibility that you will be publicly shamed for leaving your house without perfect make-up, making the slightest mistake or showing any effort whatsoever.

Look at the number of articles related to Hilary Clinton’s hairstyle vs. Madeleine Albright! (FYI – 1.1 million in .25 seconds vs 180k in .53 seconds)

It is sad but true.

My 16 yo is presenting a seminar to teenagers this weekend at a local 4H leadership conference. The topic is bullying, with an emphasis on how to support the victim. She has done a lot of research to prepare and one of the stats she pulled was about the shocking percentages of girls that experience emotional bullying through negative comments DAILY. The comments might be about their hairstyle, their clothes, their grades, etc. but very often girls EXPECT to hear negative comments from their peers with any sort of achievement. In contrast, boys could expect bullying to be more physical and tended to be doled out to those who “can’t” rather than those that “can.” **

The message is clear – do well, girls, and there is an army waiting to tear you down.

This is what we have to fight, people.

 

 

 

Why Princesses Won’t Be Presidents

Peggy Orenstein is an award-winning writer, editor and speaker about issues affecting girls and women.

 

** Please note – NEITHER form of bullying is ok. I bring it up because the contrast was interesting to me.

 

Planning a Sweet Sixteen

My daughter will be sixteen in less than two weeks.

Let’s pause for a moment of silence.

We have talked about the big day on and off for weeks, but with the date looming over our heads now – it is decision time. For me, this decision process brings up memories of not-so-great birthdays in the past and how she has triumphed over some very dark times.

So what made the short list for her big day? Here’s her party planning ideas (all options would occur under parent supervision because we are THOSE parents):

1. Go to San Francisco with friends –This day would involve hitting Pier 39, an art museum, shopping in Union Square and dinner. (SF is about 45 minutes from our house.)
2. Go to SF and see a band – good possibility with this one, but she’s having trouble finding a show that would be awesome AND allows 16 year olds to attend. Oh, the burden of youth.
3. Catered party at home with all friends – this is different than the “party at home with all friends” she has had the last couple of years in that the food would come from a restaurant rather than our local pizza place.
4. Movie night – we might possibly be mildly addicted to Amazon Instant Video.

As I mentioned above, the last couple of years have been about having big parties at home. This was born out of many years of not having friends at all. She was the target of playground bullies – girls that called her names and made a “rule” that anyone who played with Lizzi was a freak. (Yes, I spoke with her teachers during this time. They told me those girls were not mean, cruel monsters because they drew the happy pictures currently taped to the teacher’s desk. That is a rant for another post.)  In 3^rd-5^th grade, I think she was invited to a total of 2 birthday parties and maybe had 3 after school play dates. In middle school, the loneliness took a turn to the dark side that involved depression and self harm.

It was a very difficult time for all of us.

Birthdays in this period were stressful for her because she couldn’t think of anyone to invite to her party. Of course, there was an option to not have one at all – but that was even more depressing.

We sought help, and found a number of resources that made a huge difference in her life. I will write about those another time, but just know that we have come out the other side stronger than I could have imagined.

In those dark days, I wondered if there would ever be light in her life again. 

But here we are, planning a Sweet Sixteen. She has so many friends now that the thought of inviting them all over for a “blow out” party seems like it might be too much noise and mess. She is leaning toward a fun day with friends that mean the most.

Whatever she decides, her dad and I will be there to celebrate this milestone and savor the smile on her face.

 This post was originally published on WorkingMother.com on November 28, 2011.

My Organized Teenager?

This week my 15 year old daughter told me she needed an assistant.

Really? An assistant? I mean, yes she is a busy kid with sports, church, 4H and homework to fit into the few hours of daylight between the last school bell and the 5:45 am alarm. But I can’t see agreeing to a staff position.

She explained that the assistant would keep track of all the things she needed to do and  keep her motivated to complete unfinished tasks. There is so much she wants to do, but just no idea about how to get them done.

I understood that feeling. Too many projects, all of equal priority, and a need to do it all.

Figuring how to fit everything in to your life and still be happy is a trick that all women must learn. A rite of passage we do not celebrate but should. 

And then, my usually disorganized teen surprised me. She had made a list. An actual written list of these projects and things that she wanted to accomplish. 

Was that a tear stinging my eye? 

In that moment, I was a very proud momma. She had been listening. Even with the headphones surgically attached to her ears, something had made it through. She picked up on the teachings of our tribe.

We talked about her list and how to take her “To Do” list to the next level. Think about the step you have to take in order to reach the goal. 

I was thinking about her fourth grade Science Project assignment sheet. Her teacher had broken the Science Fair process into steps, about 30 of them as I recall, and kids tackled the steps one at a time. While 30 steps may seem daunting to a 9 year old, the breakdown was really straightforward and manageable. 

Any project you want to tackle can be broken down the same way. Think about the steps involved, don’t get too far ahead of yourself. No need to panic about how you will present data before deciding on a topic. 

We picked one of her goals – reconnect with old friends – and talked about a few of the steps she needed to take. Decide on a couple of people to find, search for their phone number, ask mom (me) if we have an old email address to use. She has already searched Facebook, of course. 

Summer vacation starts in less than a month and she will have time on her hands to attack the list. She is growing up fast and soon the To Do list will include selecting colleges and picking a major. 

It is nice to know that she is grasping the basics of building a full and happy life. 

This post was originally published on WorkingMother.com on May 5, 2011.

Say goodbye to the pink fan

The other day I had a handyman come over and replace the ceiling fan in my daughter’s room. The fan was in good working order, so he was careful with it. He placed it gently in some Styrofoam packing material and it sat in my living room for a day before finding a new home.

We have been planning to replace that fan for months. Over the summer, my girls and I took on a massive redecorating project. I had to pack up my entire home office, including the huge closet of office/craft/sewing/misc stuff and move everything to the living room so the office could be repainted. Once three walls were lavender and one was a dramatically dark blue, my 12 year old could move in and start decorating.

Once her room was empty, it was repainted for my 15 year old daughter, the artsy one. The walls in her new room are deep purple, lime green, bright cerulean blue and … wait for it… black chalkboard.  An entire wall available for friends to graffiti to their teenage hearts’ content, and believe me – that is a lot of graffiti.

With the colorful walls and the ironically black bedding, it was clear that the pink ceiling fan with flowers and butterflies was affecting the overall chi in the room.

So the fan went across the street to the young family with the little girls age 5 and 3. My husband dropped it off and there was quite a squeal from the 5 year old. “Mommy! That for my room?”

Honestly, I had no problem with this entire plan until the fan was gone. Something about watching that little girly-ness leaving forever left me a little sad. It is not like the fact that my girls are growing up was a secret. In fact, the evidence is in every corner of my life: homework that involves medieval politics, the miniature Sephora store in my hall bathroom, the bras of every size and color going through the wash each week…  

But this weekend I just had a feeling that life is shifting into fast forward.

My oldest will be 16 next month. She will not get a driver’s license on her birthday, but she will soon. In April, my “little one” will be 13. She does not have any interest in boys just yet, but she will soon. Instead of the hiding presents from Santa Claus, we have planned a family trip to New York for Christmas break that includes tickets to Wicked and lots of shopping. Last summer we visited a college out of state (my alma mater), this summer we will visit a few more.

I don’t have any regrets about being a working mom. I have been incredibly lucky to work at home for most of the last 10 years. I get a lot of time with my daughters and I am lucky that they think I am pretty ok to hang out with most of the time.  They are interesting people to talk to and I like that we can have deep conversations about life, politics and the economy.

“It’s all good,” I try to remind myself. This is what I have been working towards. But I can’t help it, there are tears in my eyes.

This post was originally published on WorkingMother.com on November 15, 2011.

Why the t-shirt backlash matters

The whole t-shirt controversy that took over the interwebs this week fascinated me. A shirt that so many people (including me) found offensive made it to the floor of an enormous, and usually non-controversial, retailer.

I took some time to think about why things like this bother me so much. As the mother of two daughters, ages 12 and 15, I see so many things that I want to protect them from – drugs, boys, kidnappers, illness, mean people, etc.

So why did a shirt ruffle so many feathers?

Liz at Mom 101 had a great response and, I hope, you take a few  minutes to not only read her post, but the discussion in the comments (shard of brilliance, as the link says). Mine is in there, too, and is one reason I am back here blogging after a too-long hiatus.

I like to think I am doing what I can to raise my girls to be strong women. But I can tell you, it is harder than anything I have ever done or thought about doing.

They see so much that makes them question who they are and who they are striving to be. Read the headlines on magazines while checkout at the grocery store… Diets! Flat Tummies! Better Sex! I didn’t pay much attention to them until I realized my 12 year old read every one of them.

Those are the words rattling around in her head right now, trying to figure out how it all fits together.

Ugh!

So why does a dumb t-shirt matter? It doesn’t, but it is an example of what is out there. Like “cute butt” sweat pants for tweens (at abercrombie.com) and shorts for my 15 year old that have less than a 1 inch inseam. Don’t even get me started on the big trend in transparent clothing for teens this year.

Yes, back to school shopping was “fun” for me. How about you?

On the plus side, the power of social media to affect change is once again in the spotlight. This t-shirt garnered so much attention because it was at JC Penney. A 100+ year old retailer that, frankly, is not exactly on the cutting edge of fashion. They are usually pretty conservative in their buying choices, yet a whole line of these offensive tees made it through a buying process that (I am guessing) has multiple layers of approval.

I guarantee you, right now there are meetings happening in JC Penneys about how they got it so wrong.

But the real power and the REALLY, REALLY good news is that there are 100+ other retailers that are also taking a good look at their inventory right now. They don’t want to be the next target of Social Media Backlash – and this may convince a few of them to rethink their plans.

And that would be very good thing.

This post was originally published on WorkingMother.com on September 2, 2011.